Women and
Bad Boys: What Is The
Attraction?
"Bad
Boys".
If you're a
woman, you may be saying "hmmm" as you hear
these words. You know you shouldn't, but
you just can't help yourself.
There is
just SOMETHING about these guys that draws
you in, even as your head tells you to
"beware"!
So, what
exactly is the attraction? It's not
necessarily that they are more physically
attractive or smarter or more successful
than the "nice guys". In fact, they can
have fewer of these qualities, yet be
harder to resist.
So what is
it? Let's begin by defining these guys.
This term is generally applied to males who
treat women poorly. Do these behaviors ring
a bell?
*calling at
8:30 on a Saturday night to ask if you want
to get together
*not showing
up for a date- followed by no phone call or
apology
*never
having any money when you are
out
* forgetting
or ignoring your birthday and other
important dates
*flirting
openly with other women when you are
together
*hitting on
your good friend(s)
*making
booty calls at 1am, after they've had a
night out with others
*is doing
time for a serious felony
Instead of
asking "what is it about these guys"; let's
instead examine what it is about the women
who can't resist them. The following are
actual statements from women who have a
history of attraction to these guys. See if
any of these sound familiar.
* "It's
never BORING with him. He's unpredictable
and exciting."
* "He's
strong, aggressive and self-assured; I feel
safe with him."
* "It's not
his fault; he's trying to get his life
together."
* "I haven't
met anyone else that makes me feel the way
he does."
* "He's so
charming and passionate."
* "He tells
me how much he likes me, so he must really
feel something for me."
* "He needs
me."
* "He
doesn't come across as needy and
desperate."
* "I can't
believe I've attracted someone like
him."
Now, on the
face of these, they seem pretty benign. We
all seek at least some of these traits in
the men we choose. So, where's the
problem?
Essentially
it's in his inability to meet the woman's
fundamental needs. She is the one doing all
(or most) of the giving. The question then
lies in; "what's in it for her?"
The answer
can be found by exploring three basic
issues:
*level of
self-esteem
*capacity
for intimacy
*roles that
she has been in throughout her
life
If a woman
feels good about herself, she chooses a
mate who communicates both verbally and
non-verbally to her that she is valued and
respected. She won't allow this other
person to undermine her positive
self-worth. She believes in her ability to
participate in a healthy, reciprocal
relationship.
If she
doesn't feel good about herself, she
chooses someone who reinforces her negative
self-beliefs.
If a woman
is capable of true intimacy, she is open to
the true availability of the other person.
She wants him to be a full and active
participant in the relationship. She can
allow herself to be open, vulnerable and
able to take as well as to receive all that
true intimacy offers.
If intimacy
is difficult, she choose someone who is
distant, hard to connect with and not
emotionally and/or physically
available.
If a woman
has had a healthy role in her relationships
since childhood, she will choose someone
with whom she can continue this healthy
interaction.
If a woman
has been too long in the role of rescuer,
caregiver or the one who sacrifices for the
good of others, this will probably be the
role she will seek out in her
relationships.
Fortunately,
most women fall somewhere in between on
these issues. So the task is to evaluate
yourself in each area and decide on a
course of action that will help you to
choose a "nice guy", who stirs your senses
and meets your needs while being truly
available for a real
relationship.
Begin with
an assessment of what you value most in
life and cannot live without.
Go to
http://www.consum-mate.com/newslets/02oct.htm
for an article on "clarifying and living
your values".
Once you
know what is most important to you and
believe that you are worthy of achieving
it, you will have taken a giant step
towards finding the right partner for
you.
Toni
Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist
and relationship coach with over 20 years
of experience. As a recognized expert, Toni
has been quoted in many local and national
publications including: The Chicago Tribune
and The Orlando Sentinel newspapers and
Family Circle, Woman's Day, and Star
magazines. She has been featured on ABC
News; Discovery Health Channel and AOL
Online. As a weekly contributing
commentator on the KTRS Radio Morning Show,
(St. Louis, MO), Toni offers dating tips
and relationship advice in response to
listener feedback. Toni founded
Consum-mate.com in to offer singles the
knowledge and tools they need to find and
sustain healthy, lasting love
relationships. She is a member of The
International Coach Federation, and The
International Association Of
Coaches.
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