Dating
Advice: Love Shouldn't Hurt
by: Terry Hernon MacDonald
"Because when pain has
been intertwined with love and closeness, it's very difficult to believe
that love and closeness can be experienced without pain." -Gloria
Steinem, "Revolution from Within."
If you tend to attract men
who disappoint you (by cheating on you, not showing up when they say
they will, or just refusing to get off the couch), you may be confusing
love with pain.
So many of us have been brought
up to believe that pain is normal, even expected, in a love relationship.
Without it, the relationship seems flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why
is it that so many women have great sex after a fight with a significant
other?)
A happy, loving relationship
eludes us because we don't recognize it when we see it, or because we
simply believe it's not possible (News Flash: According to a recent
Today Show, all men lie. All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a
monopoly on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women who are breathtaking
liars. Don't you?).
According to the media, men
are incapable of remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting through
a weekend unless they're transfixed before a marathon of football games.
Women internalize these messages: That's the way men are. That's the
way life is. Get over it.
And while the media is happy
to sell us the myth of the unattainable happy relationship, some of
us have come to believe in it because of our own experiences.
Some of us:
(a) Had parents who treated
each other indifferently, (b) had parents who outright hated each other,
(c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d) had a parent who suffered
from alcoholism, (e) had mothers who would rather have been doing something
else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a mental illness.
And so, we learned to associate
love with pain. It's all we knew.
Others among us grew up in
perfectly happy homes with parents who loved each other and delighted
in us, but we still managed to:
(a) Internalize negative
messages we heard from our friends' parents who were unhappily married,
or
(b) Internalize negative
messages we saw elsewhere (I know a woman who, during her impressionable
teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each other the silent treatment
and expected her to relay messages. She also babysat for another family,
where the father once came home early and started reading a porn magazine!).
As a result of this programming,
we set low bars for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends or husbands.
Hey, it's better than being alone, right?
Wrong.
If you're putting up with
substandard behavior from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date
anybody until you attract a man who makes your happiness a priority.
Trust me; such a man will come into your life and stay there.
Treat him as you have come
to expect him to treat you, which means with affection, respect, and
consideration. Does this sound boring to you? If it does, please examine
your feelings about relationships and see if they haven't determined
the kind of men you attract.
You see, once you stop dating
men who disappoint you but excite you, you can make room for a guy who
loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and who excites you. Love
and excitement are important, but if they're accompanied by pain, something's
wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy who lets you down.
Ask yourself, "Where
did I ever get the idea that love has to hurt?"
Give yourself time to come
up with the answers. Take stock of whether your relationship is worth
saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference? If not, are you
willing to make room for a man who will love you and make you laugh
instead of cry for a change?
"Because when pain has
been intertwined with love and closeness, it's very difficult to believe
that love and closeness can be experienced without pain." -Gloria
Steinem, "Revolution from Within."
If you tend to attract men
who disappoint you (by cheating on you, not showing up when they say
they will, or just refusing to get off the couch), you may be confusing
love with pain.
So many of us have been brought
up to believe that pain is normal, even expected, in a love relationship.
Without it, the relationship seems flat, boring. We crave drama. (Why
is it that so many women have great sex after a fight with a significant
other?)
A happy, loving relationship
eludes us because we don't recognize it when we see it, or because we
simply believe it's not possible (News Flash: According to a recent
Today Show, all men lie. All of them! I wasn't aware that men have a
monopoly on lying or other bad behavior. I know some women who are breathtaking
liars. Don't you?).
According to the media, men
are incapable of remembering birthdays, being monogamous, getting through
a weekend unless they're transfixed before a marathon of football games.
Women internalize these messages: That's the way men are. That's the
way life is. Get over it.
And while the media is happy
to sell us the myth of the unattainable happy relationship, some of
us have come to believe in it because of our own experiences.
Some of us:
(a) Had parents who treated
each other indifferently, (b) had parents who outright hated each other,
(c) had fathers who ignored us as children, (d) had a parent who suffered
from alcoholism, (e) had mothers who would rather have been doing something
else, or (f) had a parent who suffered from a mental illness.
And so, we learned to associate
love with pain. It's all we knew.
Others among us grew up in
perfectly happy homes with parents who loved each other and delighted
in us, but we still managed to:
(a) Internalize negative
messages we heard from our friends' parents who were unhappily married,
or
(b) Internalize negative
messages we saw elsewhere (I know a woman who, during her impressionable
teenage years, babysat for a couple who gave each other the silent treatment
and expected her to relay messages. She also babysat for another family,
where the father once came home early and started reading a porn magazine!).
As a result of this programming,
we set low bars for the behavior we'll accept from boyfriends or husbands.
Hey, it's better than being alone, right?
Wrong.
If you're putting up with
substandard behavior from men, make decision to stop. Refuse to date
anybody until you attract a man who makes your happiness a priority.
Trust me; such a man will come into your life and stay there.
Treat him as you have come
to expect him to treat you, which means with affection, respect, and
consideration. Does this sound boring to you? If it does, please examine
your feelings about relationships and see if they haven't determined
the kind of men you attract.
You see, once you stop dating
men who disappoint you but excite you, you can make room for a guy who
loves you the way you deserve to be loved--and who excites you. Love
and excitement are important, but if they're accompanied by pain, something's
wrong. You'll never be truly happy with a guy who lets you down.
Ask yourself, "Where
did I ever get the idea that love has to hurt?"
Give yourself time to come
up with the answers. Take stock of whether your relationship is worth
saving. If you speak up, will it make a difference? If not, are you
willing to make room for a man who will love you and make you laugh
instead of cry for a change?
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